I mean I got married at the age of 19, never thought I would still be married, much less have 5 kids and live on a ranch with over 100 livestock / pets! I mean who ever starts life out thinking this, surly not me.
I started out at the age of 7 being adopted along with my sister into a family most would die to be in, or they would think. My sister was the golden child and I was the black sheep. Anytime anything happened I got blamed for it as my sister Kathy would have NEVER done anything like that, really how blind were these people.
I came into the new family with issues of my own and who could blame me. We were in and out of foster care for over 3 years, one family that fostered us adopted us and the dude was an abusive drunk and a pervert so that ended badly and we got tossed back into the system. I had little trust in people and to this day that runs very, very deep with me.
The new family had 2 boys that were almost out of high school by the time we came along and the parents were much older, not saying older parents make bad ones, but in this case it was for sure different.
I spent most of my childhood being bullied in elementary, middle and high school, had very few friends for reasons unknown to me as I am not sure what they were thinking, I was always told by adults the kids were jealous, I think of what, my life sucked ass big time. I would go through my childhood thinking of ways to either end my life, running away or never getting out of bed again. I started cutting at a young age and not because I hated myself per say but for me it was a way to punish myself for always messing up, making people upset at me or not pleasing my adoptive parents. I have been diagnosed with major depression, bipolar and not on any medication as I do not believe in filling my body with chemicals to fix things. I tried the meds just be clear but I had more side effects then positive outcomes.
......I know this is getting deep, but if I can shed light on others lives and help them, then I am doing good.......
I grew out of wanting to cut myself as a way of punishment, but I still think about it time from time. I still feel like I let people down, don't add up to what they expect. Sometimes I wonder if I married at such a young age to just get out of where I was, but then I think about how I DO love my husband and do more now then before, we have 5 beautiful children whom I would not give up for anything.
I do however wish some days that we didn't have this ranch, that we had less to have to care for at our place so that we could do more, I do regret that my kids haven't had family vacations that they can remember forever, I do regret that we don't have more for them to do, that even tho my husband is finally retired from the military and not deployed a lot, we still can't do much because he is always working like crazy with his contracting job which is at the military base. So its not like he ever retired some days.
I know life is not perfect and I know I am starting to ramble on, but I try to remember the saying
"Things happen for a reason"
